B-Town Undercover:Winter Storm Summary-7 Rants & 1 Rave  

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by Shawn Underwood

If I do say so myself…ahem, I am an unusually calm and cool driver.

Even in the calm and cool snowstorm we just survived.

Unforeseen curbs, sidewalks and even an errant jaywalker rarely cause me any distress.

However, this last week, I cannot contain myself any longer – Burien drivers (and you know who you are!) are summarily grounded when the snow falls!

RANT: DO NOT drive in the snow unless you know what the ‘H-E-Double-Toothpick’ you are doing!

Snow accumulation of one-inch or more constitutes a universal ”inept snow driver stay at home” grounding. This rule must be enforced by all police officers on patrol. I don’t care if you are having a much-needed coffee break in U.U. office at Starbucks, get out there and control the mayhem! Underwood-Undercover is willing to make a Citizen’s Arrest whenever her services are needed. No need for the errant driver to know that she officially deputized herself, like some arrogant female Barney Fife (a great role model if ever there was one).

RANT: A slick tire is a type of tire that has no tread pattern; these tires are used on RACECARS, not your Volvo! DO NOT attempt to drive in the sleet and slush with worthless wheels on your ancient Volvo, dude.

RANT: Under no circumstances can a weak driver with the dribbles back down (more like slide sideways) a giant hill to try again and “get a run at it.” Other competent, strong forces are trying to get up the hill.

RANT: Plan ahead you boofus, especially if Grandpa Joe is driving in geezer gear ahead of you. Use the horn man, and slip-slide your way around him. Oncoming traffic can be flashed off with multiple blinks of headlights. Again – it’s every (snow)man for himself.

RANT: Pedestrians – get the ‘H-E-Double-Toothpicks’ off the main road. Put on your freakin’ snow boots and walk (trudge) on the non-existent sidewalk. I know it’s hard going but it’s better than being run over by “Mr. Volvo Slick Tire.”

RANT: Do not stop in the middle of the already very narrow plowed main road to “help” a motorist stuck in the snow bank in the center of the road. For Gawd’s sake man, how are the other drivers supposed to: first of all stop, and second of all, get around you? Being an upstanding citizen does not negate using common sense!

Underwood-Undercover cannot think of any actual Raves with regards to driving in the snow; but sledding in the snow = plenty of raves.

RAVE: To U.U.’s daughter, who found an awesome steep driveway with plenty of trees to dodge (more exciting) and zero sledders competing for the steepest path. Way to go!

RANT: The very steep hill of Tuffie’s 1 and 2 (an aforementioned columnist’s favorite neighborhood dogs) is awesome for sledding, but dude! Where is the lookout on the bottom of the hill? U.U. has twice narrowly missed snow-blind boarders sliding right onto Maplewild.

As I look at my column now, I see that I have only one Rave.

Sad but true, but remember a Driver (especially a lame-o snow driver) is a “club with a wooden head.”

Twenty-five years of living in Burien gives Humorist Shawn Underwood much fodder for her writings.

All of her stories are true, or at least have a grain of truth with no added embellishments.

Or something like that.

Read more of her humor at her website here.

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