B-Town Undercover: A Dead Light Pole & Pumpkinhead

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by Shawn Underwood

While perusing the shops of B-Town the other day, I stumbled across a light-post lying across the sidewalk.

Hold on, what’s this and why isn’t it standing up like the other light posts?

I looked around for crushed and damaged cars, or heaven forbid, people, anything that the heavy light post could have destroyed when it fell down. I see nothing that gives me an indication of what happened, and I wasn’t able to offer my assistance in first aid or use the “Kiss of Life”. I guess I was too late.

What kind of kamakazi driver would mow the light post down? Hmmm. I wondered about this when I entered, Cucina, the local kitchen store. Perhaps they will be able to shed some light on the downed post. They know me well and inquire after my dogs, Mr. Big and Mr. Small. After a rousing doggy discussion we move on the important topic at hand. What do I want to buy? Now completely distracted, I spy a garlic press. Pleased with my purchase and nearly ready to leave the store, I suddenly remember the purpose of my visit.

“What happened to the dead light-post taking up most of the sidewalk?”

Ever the diplomat, the store employee says, “I don’t think I was here that day.”

“Well, what day did it happen?” I said.

“I don’t recall.” Further questioning turns up no solid leads.

“No worries, I’ll see you later.”

Underwood/Undercover always gets her story. I have a snitch that I rely on when my interviewing skills defeat me. I’m not sure he’ll be around; it’s a bit late for him, but I decide to drive by anyway.

Sure enough “PUMPKIN-HEAD” is sitting in his old hangout, a well weathered bench with a view of passing traffic.

“Hey PUMPKIN-HEAD, how are you doing? Did you enjoy the festivities on the 31st?”

“You feel neglected and are tired of wearing the same old thing?”

“Well, why don’t you ask the guy with the long ears for a change of clothes? I think he visits around Easter.”

“He may even give you some candy egss, but I wanted to talk to you about a serious subject.”

“There’s been a “hit” on one of your friends in B-Town.” The new light-post has been taken out. Do you know anything about this? I mean who would do such a thing? Leaving a brand new post laying dead in the road like that, it’s not right.”

“Ask Jack?”

“Jack who?”

“Jack in the Box.” Says PUMPKIN-HEAD.

“Do you think Jack is responsible for the light-post fatality?”

PUMPKIN-HEAD shows me the article he retrieved from the internet, which reads as follows:

After languishing for weeks in a hospital bed following a nearly fatal run-in with a bus, Jack, the iconic founder and namesake of Jack in the Box(r) restaurants, emerged from his coma earlier this week and made his first public appearance today. http://www.chainleader.com/article/CA6641782.html?industryid=47553

“Thanks, PUMPKIN-HEAD, my readers will be relieved, we just can’t have this type of destruction in B-Town, and Jack is suffering the consequences of leaving his free standing restaurant.”

If you ask me, he is a bit uppity ever since he acquired a new log.

Twenty-five years of living in Burien gives Humorist Shawn Underwood much fodder for her writings.

All of her stories are true, or at least have a grain of truth with no added embellishments.

Or something like that.

Read more of her humor at her website here.

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