BREAKING: Ex-Office Depot Space To House Strip Club
According to an inside, well-placed source at city hall, a strip club will be taking over the space formerly occupied by Office Depot, located at 15716 First Avenue South in Burien.
The new club, to be called “Red Light Runners” will cater to males over 18 and will be the first all-nude club in south King County to feature the latest trend in adult entertainment – Strippers on Segways.
“In this economy, you take what you can get,” said Real Estate agent Fred Nathanian, who brokered the deal. “But what would you rather have – an empty building with no tax revenue, or a hopping high-tech girly bar with lots of cashflow, especially in the form of neatly-folded ones and fives?”
“Red Light Runners” is owned by Frank “Red” Flexxxamaria, an “entertainment agent” who has built a successful chain of Segway clubs in the Portland area.
“Burien needs some adult fun, doncha tink?” Colamaria said while chewing a cigar and showing off the new club’s recently-installed polystyrene dance track. “Not only will Red Light Runners have a wholesome, high-tech all-nude adult club, we’ll have a first-class all-beef and hardcrust-bread restaurant, free wi-fi, a sexy drive-thru espresso stand, 10-cent color copy happy hours on a Brother CDW-4070 wireless laser printer weekdays from 4-7pm, strippers and servers on Segways, and a fun, dark and cozy Daycare Center for the kids. Now you find me another place like dat around here…”
We tried repeatedly to get comments from the mayor and numerous city councilmembers, but they were all apparently out of town on a group junket in Portland, doing “research.”
The club is expected to have its grand opening on July 4th, right after its staff leads Burien’s annual 4th of July Parade on red, white and blue Segways.