BREAKING: Third Runway Suddenly Closed, Mysterious Digging Begins

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by Robb Patrickson

In a surprise announcement, Sea-Tac Airport’s infamous third runway will be put out of service “immediately and indefinitely,” said a spokesman for the Port of Seattle, which oversees the airport.

The runway will be partially dug up in an effort to “quell or justify” rumors that the remains of Jimmy Hoffa were re-buried there during the massive earth-moving effort of the past many years, which was necessary to build the controversial runway.

Hoffa served as the General President of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters union during the 1960s. He was last seen in 1975, in suburban Detroit. It is widely believed he was murdered by enemies of his involved in organized crime.

“We are confident the contractor hired to dig up the third runway will do a fine job,” said a Port spokesman who required anonymity. “We know this because we built in an unnecessary 32% profit margin above and beyond usual practices and standards for bidding out major work, as is our normal procedure. We’ve been getting away with it forever.”

No word yet on how the runway closure will affect departure and arrival times for the airlines that use the airport, but one can assume there will be a major difference. Travelers are requested to check with their airlines to confirm their flight times.

Rumors over the years have included one theorizing that Hoffa’s remains were buried underneath a Hertz Rental Car parking lot located in Slooflir, PA, Burien’s new Sister City.

The photo below was taken this morning, as heavy equipment and dump trucks were being moved onto the now-closed third runway, which is already being dug up near the control tower:

[INTERN EDITOR’S NOTE: We certainly hope all our beloved Readers are enjoying today, April 1, 2010, aka “April Fools’ Day”!]

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